Your Gold Is In Our HandsGOLD VAULT STORAGE
I Know You've Got Gold Sitting Around
Have you read the news recently? Do you have coworkers? Are you not a god damn shut in like some kind of Howard Hughes style recluse collecting your urine in jars and newspapers in piles? You're probably sitting on a pile of of gold and you don't have a fucking clue what to do with it.
Send that shit on over. It costs almost no penny to give us things. Specifically, here is our price sheet:
$1 per month per 1 pound of gold
Did you think we were shitting you? No we are not shitting you.
One American buck to send us 1 American pound of gold. Every month.
Remember that last part about every month because if you don't pay us well let me tell you: You have no gold and we now have a lot of gold.
But no problem with that, right? If you got gold to spare, you also have liquid currency. I can almost guarantee it.
Mail Your Golden Shit To Us
Mailing gold to us is easy. First, get a box. A big box that will fit your gold. Second, put the gold in the box. Fill the box with your gold. Third, put '486 Krefeld Rd NW, Palm Bay, FL, 32907' on it. Fourth, put stamps on it. Take it to the post office and pay for the postage. Fifth, give the box to a certified post person. If they aren't certified you are just giving your gold to some asshole. Give your box full of gold with our address on it to a person who is a certified mail person.
DON'T FUCK THIS UP
DO NOT GIVE YOUR GOLD TO A PERSON WHO WILL NOT ACTUALLY MAIL IT TO US.
When we receive your gold, you will know it because we will send you a thank you.
Ain't Got No Gold, Ain't Got No Problem
Some of you poor sad fucks don't have any gold. Sorry. Really. If that's the case then what you can do is mail us gold-equivalent currencies. Like above, take your American dollars, Canadian dollars, Krugerrand (which are gold, you idiot), Rupees, whatever you got that can be converted to real gold, and put that stuff in a box or a mailer or some kind of mail-able container. Put our address, '486 Krefeld Rd NW, Palm Bay, FL, 32907' on the post. Take it to a post office and pay for the stamps you need to get this currency to us. Give this letter to a CERTIFIED FUCKING POST PERSON, REMEMBER? DON'T FUCKING GIVE IT TO SOME GUY IN A BLUE HAT OR SOME ASSHOLE IN AN OLD JEEP.
WE CANNOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR YOUR FUCK UPS.
We'll melt down or dissolve or trade your belongings for gold, store that gold in our vault, and then you can start paying us money for doing so.
REALIZE YOUR INVESTMENT
Be it gold or gold-like belongings, your valuables are safe-ish with us. On successful receipt of your belongings, we will send you a note like the one below, thanking you for the opportunity to hold on to your stuff.
THIS NOTICE IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE SUCCESSFULLY RECEIVED THE FOLLOWING ITEMS VIA POST AND THAT IT WASN'T LOST IN THE POST BECAUSE YOU GAVE IT TO SOME JACK ASS WHO ACTED LIKE HE WAS GOING TO SEND THIS SHIT TO US.
ONE (1) WEIRD CHAIN LOOKING THING
THREE (3) RINGS OF DUBIOUS VALUE
FIFTEEN (15) UNITED STATES OF AMERICA DOLLAR BILLS
EIGHT (8) HUMAN TEETH
WE THANK YOU FOR YOUR BUSINESS
BEEF KENSINGTON GOLD VAULT, VCR REPAIR, AND MASSAGE